Up-front Mind-blowing Information on the subject of Getting Laid
Let me blow your mind a little right up front about getting laid. If you want to get laid, you have to pursue getting laid. You have to accept that getting laid is an objective different from getting a girlfriend. You have to accept that it’s probably going to be necessary to lie at least a little bit. You have to accept that on Monday morning you may be thought an asshole. But, it should relieve your feelings of guilt somewhat to know that when you are the opportunistic asshole who does whatever it takes to get in some chick’s pants, you are performing a vital function in our culture. If you are already (or have been in the past) one of these guys, you know exactly what I’m talking about. [High-five.] If you have never yet been this guy, then you will probably remember him as the guy who fucked your girlfriend while you guys were “broken up”.

So step up, take a turn, go for yours!

Help Getting Laid
To help you get laid, I’m creating a new section in Cafe Smut called simply “Getting Laid“. These articles will consist of tips, how-to’s and case studies all presented from as disrespectful-to-women and ape-brained a male viewpoint as I can muster. Use them. Leave your morality at the coat check. You’re young. You deserve pussy. These are the pussy-getting years. Go get some pussy!

FACT: twats at a bar want cock. If they were not ready to accept a reasonable offer of sex from a reasonably eligible guy, they would be sitting in front of the TV watching Sex and the City and eating Haagen Dasz instead. Do not be fooled! No matter how they may behave to suggest otherwise, twats at a bar want cock.

Fuck Venus and Mars
“Women are basically this.”, “Women are basically that.”, “The secret to women is…” blah, blah fucking blah. The airwaves are clogged with all this Mars and Venus (give your girlfriend a back rub) bullshit, and the women are behind it. They’re trying to fool you into thinking you can understand them, and they want to distract you from the fact that they’re not having sex with you by blowing sensitivity up your ass. Do not participate! As men, we can band together, share information and exert historical levels of pussy-getting power upon the shrieking female masses.

Know your Twat
Twats at a bar can be divided into 2 categories — Tarts and Tough Girls. Putting aside the influence of their actual personalities and experiences, all* women choose their sexual partners based on their fathers. Yeah, that whole Oedipus thing. This is common knowledge and is often exploited by assholes. There’s a lot of stuff to read on the subject, but it has never been broken down into a simple, repeatable technique regular guys can use on twats at bars. Think of this as practical science to explain the (otherwise random-seeming) success or failure of some pick-up lines.

Bagging Tarts
Tarts are trying to get your attention with their bodies. Tarts are the easier of the 2 bar twat categories to score with. The spectrum of possible clothing choices for Tarts is broad, ranging from the extremely slutty to jeans and a blouse. As a general rule, if you can see her toes, she’s a Tart. Tarts became tarts because their daddy’s didn’t pay enough attention to them. The lack of this attention is experienced by adult Tarts at a deeply sexual level. This is what you’ll be exploiting to bag a Tart. Contrary to what you may think, however, the winning play with Tarts is NOT to show them sexual interest, but to deny it. Dressing the way they usually do, Tarts are swimming in sexual interest from men. You have to deny sexual interest, but more importantly you have to act like their fathers when you do it.. Lots of guys seem to know on some level that it makes sense to play disinterested with women. And because many women are Tarts, there is an above average success rate with this approach. But to really raise your hit-rate you have to do more than just feign sexual disinterest. You have to be dismissive. To really get a Tart to want to fuck you on the spot, you have to behave like her father did. You have to dismiss her as if she were a child. “Run along little girl, go play with your dolls or something. Daddy’s busy.” It’s not entirely empty of affection, but it does make a woman feel that she is insufficient to hold your attention. Once you have her excited then the trick becomes how to get sex without appearing to want it. Go to her place. This will give her some home-turf confidence and put you in a position where she can serve you by playing good hostess. Ask for something that she has to prepare, like coffee or tea. Sit down. Watch her now. Stare at her ass. Be bold now with your glances. Let her notice that you are seeing her as a woman. If she starts to act nervous, it’s a great sign. But don’t show your interest yet. Just keep asking for her to bring you things. She’ll be running around hopping on her toes, delighted to finally be enacting something she’s been dreaming about for decades. In the eyes of God, the law and everybody, you’re just a guy she met at a bar. But on the spotlit stage of her most personal psychodrama, she is winning the sexual interest of her father, and she is doing it in the only way that really makes any sense — by serving him. I’ve had women get so excited during the service stage, that they literally jumped into my lap. Suggested pickup line for Tarts: “Ive seen better legs on a piano.” Chance of vaginal orgasm during intercourse: 10%.

Tough Girls 101
There are not so many Tough Girls as there are Tarts, but there are enough of them out there looking for cock to be worth discussing here. Tough Girls became Tough Girls because their daddies treated them like sons. Like Tarts, a Tough Girl’s possible wardrobe and style span a broad spectrum, ranging from Punk to business suit. Any girl wearing a cowboy hat is a Tough Girl. You can always tell Tough Girls because they will give you exactly 1 second of eye contact, before breaking away with a hint of scorn. The message is simply: “I’m tough. Don’t fuck with me.” If sexual Krytponite for Tarts is showing them direct sexual interest, for Tough Girls it’s trying to spar with them. Tough Girls are combative in posture as their way of dealing with men, as their way of getting rid of them. When you respond with aggression to a Tough Girl’s scowl, you will only make her want to take you down. To score with a Tough Girl, you don’t want to make her to feel like taking you down. You want her to think you feel sorry for her. Be protective of her, not in a chivalrous way, but in the way one protects things that are weaker than ourselves, with a teaspoon of condescension. She’ll be so internally flabbergasted, she won’t know what to say. Tell her something like “Did you have an injury or something..” and point dispassionately at her hip or her knee. She’ll say “No, why?” Then you can say “Ah nothing, just looked like it might be a prosthetic for a second.” Livid. What should happen then is she’ll begin to want to initiate some sort of physical challenge with you, to prove herself. If you have ever seen a man and a woman arm wrestling at a bar, this is likely what has occurred. You must under no circumstances accept the challenge too soon. Forego the arm wrestling challenge. Forego the foot race in the parking lot. What you want to let her do is drive. Like all Tough Girls, she’ll drive a car with a manual transmission. Accept her offer to show you what a good driver she is. Make a joke like “Do I even need to wear my seatbelt?” She will try to drive well and impress you. Most guys she’s done this with will have shown nervousness, for thinking women can’t drive well. You’ll impress her by smiling and saying nothing. What you want to convey is “That all you got?” This may go on for quite some time, until her personal threshold of exhilaration is reached. I once spent an hour in the Berkeley Hills doing hair pin turns in a Porsche like this. However long it takes, just wait for it. You’ll know she’s reached it because she will pull over suddenly to the side of the road and look at you. All you have to do at that point is kiss her. Suggested pickup line for Tough Girls: “Are you okay”? Chance of vaginal orgasm during intercourse: 2%.

*(A note about statistics. When I say “all” as in “all women”, I mean “Get in the fucking zone, man! It’s true if you believe it!”)

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 2nd, 2006 at 7:01 pm and is filed under getting laid. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.