 |
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The quiet tinkling of silverware, downcast gazes, everyone picking at their food. Someone asks for the gravy boat and suddenly you go all Pete Townshend on dinner, flipping the table, smashing plates, sending chicken wings flying. Welcome to Melodrama Monday. There’s tension in the air and you’ll have trouble suppressing that impulse to hurl a cinderblock through a plate-glass window. But as the week ebbs, so will your kinetic ire. Assuming you can keep it in check, all of your bottled-up wrath will be converted into a ravenous libido, to be better expended on a futon with an anonymous brunette. See? You feel better already.
Libra Blog
|
 |
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your tendency to overshare will make things particularly sticky this week. No need to cc: a description of your latest sexploits to your entire online address book. Oh my God, your mother’s in there! And Rabbi Kimmelman! And the fiancé you’re cheating on! What were you thinking? Clicking “Send to All” may land you in R. Kelly’s proverbial “closet” without your figurative “Berretta.” Why not use your creative energy to construct some bizarre new sexual scenario, carry it out, and then shut up about it? Your friends and family will thank you.
Scorpio Blog
|
 |
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week, most likely after Thursday, a person you’re close to will assert their independence. You’ll receive the cold shoulder, the kiss-off, the flake or any number of other passive-aggressive taunts. Don’t fret. Everyone gets like Lindsay Lohan sometimes, obsessed with garnering others’ approval, and it usually has more to do with their own baggage than with yours. Clearly this person is feeling vulnerable right now, so perhaps it’s a good time to deploy a steady salvo of backhanded compliments. In the future, they’ll depend on you to prop them up more than ever.
Sagitarrius Blog
|
 |
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ll begin the week feeling awkward. That’s a good thing! Awkwardness is simply a reaction to cultural disorder, and you should view this as a sign that you’re more perceptive than others when it comes to societal nuances. Even though that’s probably untrue, the extra confidence this affords you will diminish your awkwardness, increase your desirability, and in turn, lead to a night of fabulous screwing with someone who would normally be out of your league. That’ll be awkward, alright. The good kind of awkward.
Capricorn Blog
|
 |
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’ll feel like Sammy Hagar all week, lucky and reckless, pumping your fists. That’s fine, but when you’re jumping off of that amp and landing on a drum set, try not to break your wrist. Unfortunately, Mr. Hagar, despite your optimism and verve, this is not going to be your week with the groupies (or that teacher you’re fixated on, either), and that wrist is going to come in handy for more than just grabbing your mic.
Aquarius Blog
|
 |
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Do you think Sarah McLachlan ever jumped off the roof of a house into a swimming pool? Or hung out the window of her car as she swerved down the street and screamed, “Fuck all you fucking motherfuckers! Yay-uh!” Doubtful. I also doubt that you’ll be in the mood for anything crazier than Sarah McLachlan CDs, comfortable pants, the Hold Everything catalog and soy milk this week. Submit to your lethargy. Ignore the phone, rebuff your frustrated lover’s sexual advances, and on Monday, hit your nadir as you fall asleep in the Barcalounger four hours into Bravo’s West Wing marathon.
Pisces Blog
|
 |
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Time to pull out your old Dead Kennedys cassettes — this week you’re red-hot with righteous indignation. Someone in authority is keeping you down this week. I believe his name is The Man. He’s got his heel on your Adam’s apple, and you’re eating that mauve microfiber carpeting. Thursday promises to be a day of controversy, so prepare to agitate for equal pay, the top bunk, or whatever cause you believe in.
Aries Blog
|
 |
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
One of my favorite things to do — yours, too — is to obsess over all of my troubles at once. I spread them all out in front of me on a big, plastic card table and think about how alone I am. It certainly makes one feel like an adult! But occasionally, you’ve got to wrestle with things other than your troubles. Like people! This week, you’ll find that strangers on the street want to tangle with you, spontaneously rolling and groping on the sidewalk. I swear! Grab the next passer-by you see, throw them to the pavement and pounce on them. If they scream and try to get up, yank them down again by the waistline of their pants.
Taurus Blog
|
 |
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Being around one particular person too much has resulted in some serious chafing. Luckily you’ll be in a magnanimous mood this week, so there’s little chance you’ll tell them off. If they continue to annoy you by Friday, however, your desire for respite may override your good nature. Find some people for whom fun does not equal whining and bitching about their difficult lives.
Gemini Blog
|
 |
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
It’s opposite week! Long-eschewed sexual proclivities are now your raison d’etre. If you’re straight, you’re gay. If you’re gay, you’re straight. If you’re bi, you’re still bi. You’ll engage in a love affair with an evangelical Christian who lives in Staten Island. Your ejaculations will take forever. You’ll look good in pleated pants. Revel in your non-self for one full week, before it’s back to boring old you.
Cancer Blog
|
 |
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Don’t be surprised if you notice a fellow convenience-store shopper silently mouthing the words to Lionel Richie’s “Three Times a Lady” just like you’re doing at that very same moment. You will be prone to sudden, intense romantic connections this week. Just keep your eyes peeled. Stop into your local Rite Aid for some Oil of Olay on Tuesday or Friday in particular.
Leo Blog
|
 |
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
I recently watched a Brigitte Bardot music special on television that had originally been broadcast in France in the late 1960s, and I was reminded how utterly atrocious French music is. But they sure do work hard at looking cool, those French, and when they succeed, it feels like a triumph of sheer effort. That kind of effort would be a good model for you this week. Wear big sunglasses and affect a contemptuous demeanor. Wander about in a scarf the size of a tarmac. This will attract those who are attracted to the French, boosting your cool factor by ten.
Virgo Blog
|
